Panic Attacks
Panic attacks have all the bells and whistles because an episode captures both physical symptoms of racing heart, flushing, trembling, dry mouth, dizziness, tunnel vision, and an urge to escape. The psychological experience impacts concurrently- speechlessness, fear of judgement, derealization and the crushing certainty that something catastrophic is happening. However talking about the subject is a reminder of how far mental health awareness has come even within the profession.
Thankfully to date I have endured one Panic attack, but decades on the memory still has clarity. I was summoned to a staff development session and immediately felt an inner discomfort, all the participants were senior to me and were seemingly more comfortable with all things mental health. Role modeling was very confronting in any setting, but this way beyond the edges of my comfort zone at this time of my life. I was in my mid twenties and still wet behind the ears on the subject of mental health. And who was the first person asked to “perform”? Me of course. Nobody had gone before me to give me an example, a starting point from where I could germinate an idea. Every set of eyes in the room peeled across to where I was seated and…… sweating. Eagerly they all waited for a pearl of wisdom to escape my lips or maybe they hoped or even expected I would “stumble”. (Bullying in the workplace was openly practiced in the era). But I had no idea where to start and then the madness closed in on me! Faces were everywhere. One belonged to someone whose opinion mattered deeply too me. Every eye suddenly felt like a spotlight.
My heart did not race. It thundered. My breathing became shallow. Heat surged through me until my face burned beetroot red. My mouth dried instantly. All thoughts that had been present simply vanished. Every sentence dissolved before it reached my lips. I sat there with a word salad formulating in my mind while I was trapped in a no mans land of wanting to speak and being utterly unable to whisper a word. I felt wide and wild eyed and could only concentrate on that one person whose “giggle only proved to mortify me further, and mortally. Compounding the entire experience was my trembling hands and churning, nauseated stomach. I became dizzy and detached like I was watching from outside of myself. The urge to escape was overwhelming, but impossible, I was riveted to the chair. I could not move. I could not run. This session seemed so prolonged and no-one said anything afterwards, making this moment in time so embarrassing. I had to interact with these co-workers in future in one way or another and had an inkling that more people outside those at the meeting were privy to my unfortunate ‘panic’ event
Today we recognize this as a panic attack. Back then, not so! Despite working in mental health, the language was not common, the understanding was not widespread and the signs were missed!
The irony has never been dispelled over the years. I cared for people experiencing mental illness, yet I did not recognize what my own body was desperately trying to tell me.
A panic attack is not a weakness. It is the nervous system firing every jangling alarm at once, conspiring to convince you that mortal danger is imminent. That day long ago I was not losing my mind. My brain was trying to protect me!
By Me! Wendie N
